Shame is a painful emotion that results from the comparison of the self's action vs the self's standards. The state of shame starts internally from the victim of a specific environment, such as a family that rejected them. While most people think shame is singular, a psychotherapist said that shame has four types and some types can be dangerous.

The Four Types of Shame

"I think shame is everything. I think it influences so many of our defenses, so many of our character traits. I think coping with shame is a daily preoccupation, not shame in the big toxic sense, but in a kind of everyday way," said Joseph Burgo, a psychotherapist and psychoanalyst in Colorado who revealed the four types of shame.

In general, the state of shame can result from two behaviors, depending on the environment of the person. First is from the exposure to events or people that uncovers anything that can be perceived as shameful. Thus, people use the words "Shame on you!" to impose the state of shame. Second is from the restraints implied by the environment including the people around the person. Thus, the individual shows modesty and humility to prevent offending anyone that may lead to a shameful act.

But Burgo's different types of shame expanded the two common states of shame:

1. Unrequited Love: Rejection from someone you love or love that is not reciprocated pertains to unrequited love. The thought of experiencing such a scenario is scary and actually experiencing it can be horrifying. Normally, shame from unrequited love occurs in early life, such as the lack of emotional recognition from parents. Being rejected can deliver humiliation and shame to the one displaying love.

2. Unwanted Exposure: This type of shame refers to the state of shame caused by exposure, such as being called for a mistake in public or humiliated by someone who caught the person naked.

3. Disappointed Expectation: People have goals in life, big or small, and some get hurt when they cannot achieve their goals. This often leads to disappointment from high expectations. This type of shame can occur in different situations, such as at work for not getting a promotion or in personal life after a relationship did not work out. This type may also reflect how a person compares their personal abilities to their personal standards.

4. Exclusion: Being isolated or left out can cause severe emotional damage because the person is likely going to feel insecure and then shameful for the lack of capability to belong. The feeling of loneliness due to isolation can trigger mental health problems such as anxiety and depression.

"Wondering whether or not we belong, or whether or not we're liked, or loved, or whether or not we're successful — I think these are our daily preoccupations and they all contain the risk of shame," Burgo added.

Burgo clarified that not every example of shame is negative -- some can be beneficial to someone. One example is saying "no" to regulate a child's curiosity and feeling of exploration. The denial implied by saying "no" does not cause long-term damage to the child, as long as the implication is about safety rather than restraint.

Reversing Shame Using Compassion

The sense of pride is the direct opposite of the state of shame. However, pride does not reverse the adverse effects of deep-seated shame. A person who feels shameful about their weaknesses benefits more from compassion rather than pride. Compassion is an act that represents concern and empathy for others who suffered great misfortune and pain in life. The act allows those who are shamed by their environment to move forward.

According to Beverly Engel, a psychotherapist in California, shame is the most destructive emotion in the world, more destructive than anger or fear. Because shame changes how the person sees themselves, they tend to see themselves as damaged, defective, flawed, worthless or unlovable.

To heal someone broken by shame, compassion must be the main substance to mend the broken soul. Kristin Neff, a social psychologist from the University of Texas at Austin, found evidence that self-compassion can cure self-criticism, a trait that intensifies shame. Neff's research showed that self-compassion can increase oxytocin, a hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain. High levels of oxytocin deliver feelings of calm, generosity, trust, and safety.

According to the California College San Diego, a person can show genuine sympathy to another by giving compassion:

1. The person must be compassionate to oneself first before being compassionate to others. Learn to forgive self's mistakes and focus on positive qualities instead of the negative ones.

2. The person should communicate properly, such as making eye contact and touching appropriately. A compassionate person can share positivity by giving a hug to a hurting individual, provided the action has been permitted.

3. The person needs to radiate positivity to others by encouraging, reinforcing, and respecting them.

[메디컬리포트=Ralph Chen 기자]

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